Such mixed feelings

Looking so handsome, so amazing, so normal! A happy shot, hiking with Bridget, who he adores.

Ron with his mum and sister, Marnie, at the farmer's market in Duncan.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and in such turmoil. This afternoon I simply didn't know how to manage Ron's crying, saying he is nothing. ( he's now on an increased dose of Celexa) It is incredibly wrenching when his only decipherable words are such sad ones. I held onto him and told him how I love him, how well he's doing, how unfair it all is... Then suggested we go for a walk in the forest, which he always enjoys. He tends to wonder through the house now, as if looking for something which he was busy doing as I came back after putting on my coat. He had his back to me and I just said " Ron " quietly, and he absolutely leapt with alarm. His eyes were brimming with tears, and I was thinking "What the heck do I do?" he was in such a bad way - so hugged him more, said, come we're going to go for a walk, put the ipod headset on his ears, turned it on, and promptly went and took an Ativan for myself. Haven't had one since we were in Venice, 2007, so thought I'd held out long enough. Some days the stresses of all kinds of things just build up, compounded by the exhaustion, and this was one of them. I think I was verging on a panic attack? - the heart was racing... Not sure if I'm now more mellow - but it did on harm, one microscopic pill!

I spent some time yesterday connecting with the nurse leader at the Chemainus Health Care centre where Ron will be in respite for a week, starting Thursday 27 October. I got the sense from our conversation that Ron is significantly more compromised than many residents when they come in to care on a permanent basis. I asked her for to be absolutely honest about how he's coping with the changed environment and how he is functionally compared to others in care. He is being told that he's going for observation and assessment to help with his bladder and the getting up at night - respite is not to be mentioned. I plan to retreat and isolate for the week, have a chance to house sit for a friend who lives on the ocean, may go to the mainland, perhaps Bellingham or Seattle... or stay at home and snooze and read and not change one nappy, not have to get up at night or shower and shave a man and cut food etc. I am hoping this will be positive for me - I will choose restorative and refreshing activites. Sometimes I worry that since my role over the last five years has evolved into being full time caregiver, that I may feel purposeless when alone. I know I need to build bridges to my future. More on that in a later posting.

Ron is still incontinent, no improvement in that department, and is as confused as ever. Last night I put his tray on his lap, with his supper on it, and said, " Here, Ron, here's your supper" and he didn't know to eat it. To end on a more chipper note- Cammy had him shopping the other day, and she went to line up at the tills and he was right behind her. She looked back, and there he was, in another line up, in the process of putting his entire basket of groceries into the trolley of an alarmed stranger!

Saad has worked out fantastically, and comes often in the morning to help with the ablutions and walk with Mr B. Lovely for me to not have to deal with this on a daily basis.

I will post a couple of recent images from when Ron's mum and sister came to visit. His mum looks absolutely amazing, considering she's turning 90 in February.