Pause Button

I would so love to press the pause button to keep Ron as he is right now. These are very special days - he is so very dependent, so vulnerable and child-like, and I feel so tender and protective towards him. Each evening I've been taking him up hiking in the forest, and he's totally happy, singing along with his ipod, in his own world. I now guide him room to room and oversee every "activity" including telling him to sit down and showing him where. It's funny, I had thought that at this stage I would be totally wanting to throw in the towel - quite the opposite, I just want to hold on forever.... My dear friend, Linda, who's husband is in care, clarified with me that Ron is now like a disabled child to me, of course I don't want him to go.

Last week Cammy tearfully told me that she felt it was time her dad was placed in care. She'd had him for 5 hours and wondered how I could manage all day, every day. I recognize that I may be like that frog in the slowly boiling water, but I do feel calm and very peaceful, able to carry on for now. But in my heart I know it's not sustainable- when Ron is continually getting up and standing next to me, or standing lost in the passage, that is hard. I also have been averaging 4 1/2 hours of sleep for weeks... so that does tell me things are not what they should be. Dave wants to have the opportunity to care for his dad, and he'll do the week of Sept 9. It will be a very special time for him to have with Ron. Matt has said on a number of occasions how precious that was, to share that week in May with his dad.

I now have help in the home - Saad - my refugee friend from Iraq - comes two mornings a week to help with the shower, shave, dressing and walk. It's a great help and I will work to increasing his hours as the funding has been upped, now that Ron's care needs are verging on 24 hour care.

So for now, I hope to keep on at home, like this, through the fall... It's a really difficult decision, and I really want to be able to look back at this period and know that it was all good, how it played out, and that I made the right decision at the right time. One day at a time, and enjoying every golden moment. Special times. Very special. There is much, much joy in my life.